it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
