If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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