I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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