thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
