The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
