I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
