I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
