I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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