im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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