Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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