sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
