I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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