You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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