I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
