we have pet lesbian snakes
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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