His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize
