question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
