I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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