this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
