Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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