This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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