dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
