Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
