A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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