Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
