Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
