i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
