i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
