his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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