He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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