We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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