I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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