I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
