I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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