drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
