So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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