In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
