happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize