It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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