Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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