So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
