just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
