My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
