Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
