if i can run in heels then i can drive
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
