i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
