U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
