I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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