Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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