oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
