I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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