I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
