how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
