shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
