yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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