Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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